Sin

"O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" I could have said this some weeks ago, as I stood in my kitchen whisper shouting at my husband, "I hate me, I hate me, I hate me! I don't KNOW what to do, it's me, my fault and I HATE me!"

I thought, maybe that night, maybe another near it, that maybe I needed to check in somewhere and get some counseling- that the level of dissappointment and animosity that I felt toward myself certainly couldn't be healthy. So, I put that on my to do list for later. . . maybe.

And in the meantime, I've continued my pursuit of maturity. . . but now more than ever by seeking out a biblical understanding of sanctification. Because, SANCTIFICATION has seemed so impossibly far out of my reach that I have begun to doubt my salvation. My Salvation. My relationship with Jesus, with the Father through Him . . . is the Holy Spirit dwelling in me? In ME? And I could be so wretched?

Paul says in 2 Corinthians, "Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith." It is right to soberly examine yourself. It right to encourage others to do so, "You must warn each other every day, while it is still "today," so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God." So, I've examined. I won't mine that out for you, but I landed time and again on the same old GLORIOUS truth: God sent his Son to save sinful people. How? Simply by believing that He did, that this Son died, was buried, and rose again. By trusting Him to save me because of that. Not because I am good. Not because I made a promise, said a prayer, did a deed, followed a formula. . . But because he loved me, and gave himself up for me.

But then what, I have this glorious salvation that I did nothing to earn, deserve, merit . . . Where do I go from here? Well, off in pursuit of sanctification. Of Holiness. Of Him. But, sometimes, (often) I get distracted. Like the seed in the parable, the one the weeds choked. . . entertainment, good food, children, fun, Squirrel! And suddenly I've left my Bible under the seat in the car and haven't noticed or cared. I have my own pride to nourish me for months and months because I already know the scriptures so well. Like a whitewashed tomb. And I produce the same fruit as the pharisees and the fig tree. And yet, there He is, the Holy Spirit! The same (in my understanding) Spirit of Holiness that dwelt in the Holy of Holies in the tabernacle. That Great God.

 And He says, "There's that Bible."

And I say, "Sure. But, I'd rather do this."

And He says, "That's not good for you."

And I say, "I don't care."

And He says, "Happiness, right over here."

And I say, "Misery is nice too. It gets comfy."

And He says, "Won't you do what is for your good?"

And I say, "Rebellion, rebellion, I chose rebellion for its own sake! I've always loved it, I still do."

And I choose it, the rebellion, and I quench the Holy Spirit. I ignore him, shove him away and refuse him. And He stays and He stays and He softens my heart and changes my desires. Because He is faithful and He is good and the Blood of Christ has already covered my sin, my dear rebellion, my sloth, my gluttony, my impatience, my wrath, my boasting, my arrogence, and my ridiculous, horrendous, PRIDE.

And now I can look the scripture and see me:

I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Well, look at this! The Apostle himself struggled with sin because he was a person, he loved the law, wanted to obey it,, but chose to do wrong. And, I think, BECAUSE he was in Christ he was given glimpses of his own wretchedness- He knew his sin. This great, GOOD man. (ahem, see Phil. 3) He cried out, like me: I hate me! I hate my sin! (because this is REALLY what I meant. I wasn't the least bit disgusted with my hair, weight, toe shape, personality, or abilities. But I was soooooooo DONE with my sin. Ugh!) And he sums up what he has said, I love the law, I disobey because I am in the flesh. I can still be in Christ because There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

And finally, because my salvation is great, I am exhorted, repeatedly, Stand Firm, Stand Firm, STAND FIRM. Don't quench the Holy Spirit, obey the commandment, Do NOT use your freedom as a covering for Sin, but to serve others! And HOW? How? If my body is still in bondage to sin, then HOW? Oh, it would be easy, if not for this body of sin. . . But, how?

Therefore, my brethren, you also were made to die to the Law through the body of Christ, so that you might be joined to another, to Him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God.

I am the vine, you are the branches. He that abides in me and I in him, the same brings forth much fruit, for apart from Me, you can do nothing.

Remain, abide, be joined to Christ. I assume this means to live in relationship with Him. To NOT quench the Holy Spirit. To seek Treasure in the scriptures. Jesus. . . .

phew. I think I need to go to sleep now.

Oh, and on an unrelated note:
Amy is done with potty training (I think), she is still learning her limits and what not, but she basically knows what to do, when to do it, and does it. Now. . . if we didn't have 280 diapers in her size sitting around. . .  I'm thinking maybe I should wait a year and half to do Hannah so we can use up some of these diapers!